Category: Humor

Why I can’t stand why you can’t stand Justin Timberlake

Jackie doesn’t like Justin Timberlake. That statement in and of itself would be okay if her reasoning was solid. But I don’t think it is. She lays out her feelings in a five part blog post series, and here I shall lay out why, while I respect her right not only to hold that opinion, but also to express it for everyone to see on the internet, I also must respectfully refute some of her justifications (no pun intended) for her Justin hatred.

Let’s start at the beginning, where Jackie opens her first post with this statement:

i cannot stand justin timberlake.

Okay, like I said, her opinion, her right to free speech. But (on a semi-unrelated note): first and foremost, it is my firm belief—and I am aware that this is just an opinion, but it seems to be the opinion of most of the blogging world—that if you’re going to blog for purposes other than airing teenage angst on LiveJournal (or whatever its 2014 equivalent is), you should use proper capitalization.

justin timberlake may be a perfectly nice human being. a person i know has actually met him and was a part of the prayer circle at one of his shows and said he’s a totally cool dude. so, lest all the people who love JT because he’s funny on SNL come out of the woodwork with pitchforks to impale me, let me be clear: what i cannot stand may just be justin timberlake’s celebrity image. or justin timberlake’s inability to employ people who will manage his celebrity image. or it may be justin timberlake, because the two may or may not be one in the same.

To this I say that Jackie may also be a perfectly nice human being. I don’t know her and only became aware of her when her blog showed up in my JT Google Alert email a few days ago. I have no intentions of impaling her on a pitchfork—which actually happened to a character on Y&R when I was a child; I know this because my mother watches that soap and that particular scene has stuck with me throughout the years for some reason.

Like Jackie, I also know people who have met Justin and have agreed with her acquaintance’s assessment that “he’s a totally cool dude.” That this seems to be the consensus among both industry professionals and everyday people who happen to encounter Mr. Timberlake in the real world may or may not be a coincidence. I honestly have no idea, having never met the man myself.

But even though Jackie gives this person’s claim about JT’s character credence, she still goes on in part 2 to say that Justin “makes [her] soul retract in loathing.”

Those seem like pretty harsh words. I don’t know about anyone else, but I reserve those sorts of sentiments for people who have done abominable things—war criminals, for instance.

people justin jessica wedding oct 2012

So Jackie’s first issue with JT has to do with his wedding. She shows us the cover of People that he and Jessica did and comments:

way to have fun at your wedding, man. but, also, way to totally hijack the cover from your wife.

Yes, I also think this picture puts the spotlight clearly on Justin. But—and this is just conjecture on my part—I think that there are two reasons that the photographer and the magazine’s editorial team, not Justin, might be to blame for this:

1) Usually more than one picture is taken for a magazine photo shoot. The celebrity/model may or may not get a say in which picture ends up as the one that makes the cover. So Justin may not have deliberately chosen this photo because he is an attention whore. (Also, wouldn’t that imply that Jessica is too meek to speak up and say “I want a different picture that spotlights both of us equally”?)

2) It doesn’t take a photography expert to see that the choice of background for this particular shot washes out Jessica’s features. Justin’s black tux stands out in stark contrast to the pale pink background. Was this Justin’s choice? I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think Jackie does either.

one of the components of why i cannot stand timberlake is precisely this. there is about his public image, in general, and this cover, in particular, a decided element of LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

timberlake hijacked the cover of people from his wife. so he hijacked golden globes weekend. so he hijacked oscar weekend with the announcement of his album. so he tried to hijack cannes from oscar isaac. he is a man who cannot share the limelight. he must be the star.

Okay, so this would seem like solid evidence to support Jackie’s claim. However, all of the above linked articles come from Lainey. Lainey holds an open yet inexplicable grudge against Justin. In the JT fandom, she is a known hater whose “stories” have very little credibility compared to, say, People. Citing her in a post about why you hate Justin is like citing the Communist Manifesto about why you hate capitalism: it simply toes the party line and validates your beliefs in the same circular way as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

but that’s not all! not by half.

Of course it’s not. But alas, the rest of my rebuttal to Jackie’s anti-Timberlake sentiments shall have to wait until next time…

How to Lose Your Justinnocence in 10 Gifs

Justinnocence: (n) a lack of familiarity with the hotness of the man who brought sexy back

Do you still have your Justinnocence?

For a moment imagine that you have been asked out on a date by none other than Justin Timberlake. (Note: This is an alternate universe where things like that actually happen.)

Such a gentleman, Mr. Timberlake.

HBO

Sure, you got a little bit down and dirty on the dance floor earlier, but at least you both kept your clothes on. Things got PG-13 at best.

Senorita

But when he walked you back to your place and it was time to say goodnight, well, he did this:

Gone

And you said, “Wanna come in for a drink?”

Which of course is how you ended up on the couch, with him saying:

LILY

Up until then, you had every intention of being a good girl, but then he did this:

SexyBack

And before you knew it you were doing a little bit of this (minus your mom creeping in the background, of course):

FWB1

And some of this:

FWB2

And a whole lot of this:

BlackSnakeMoan

And by the time the sun rose the next morning it was over. Your Justinnocence was gone. Forever.

TKO

You thanked him for the amazing experience, and as you walked him to the door he grinned and said:

CMAR

The 8 types of comments you will inevitably find on every Justin Timberlake Facebook post

All of these comments are from this Facebook post, but I find the categories of comments stays pretty much the same across all of Justin’s posts:

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1. The comment addressed directly to Justin.

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Because I’m sure Justin takes the time to read all of the thousands of comments he usually receives PER POST and puts lots of thought and consideration into each and every comment.

2. The comment asking Justin to visit their country.

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3. The comment from the hater.

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This particular post was actually pretty tame…

4. The comment from the concerned citizen.

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5. The “I earn $5,000 per day by working from home!” comment.

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6. The “Like my page plz” comment.

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7. The comment that isn’t in any language that Justin speaks (as far as we know, that is).

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8. The comment that makes me weep for the future of the English language.

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Dear Justin Timberlake: Please hire me.

I’ll try to keep this brief since I know you’re a busy man. I would like to apply, completely unsolicited, for the position of Official Justin Timberlake Blogger. You’ve got most of the social media world covered (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.), but your blogosphere presence is lacking. Allow me to explain to you why I am the ideal candidate for this as-yet-nonexistent position:

 

I got 99 problems but a blog ain’t one…

Translation: In addition to running this blog, I also maintain my personal website (complete with two additional blogs), work 3 part time jobs, and attend graduate school full time. Yet I still manage to have a life. And by “have a life,” I mean “write you this blog post.” So I figure adding one more act to my repertoire can’t hurt. Also, my schedule will be clearing up in the coming months as I prepare to burst forth from my academic cocoon and enter the “real world.”

 

On that sunny day

Didn’t know I’d see

Such a talented guy

On my TV

Seen those bright blue eyes

And heard that voice

So I became a fan

I didn’t have a choice

Translation: I’ve been a card-carrying fan for fifteen years. I think that as a fandom insider I would be an ideal candidate to blog for you because I can provide the fans with the blog content they want.

 

I was just writing that day aimlessly

You picked the perfect time to tour, JT.

Translation: I’m done with grad school (except for my thesis—but that shouldn’t be too hard to finish, right?) around the same that you happen to be touring. Coincidence? I think not.

 

My notebook contains a few more questionable re-writes of songs that probably should not be touched lyrically (or at least not by me), but, as I said, I’ll keep this letter short.

In conclusion: I eagerly await your reply, complete with job offer, starting salary, and benefits package. (I hope I’m not jumping the gun on this one…)

 

Sincerely,

Roz

The Justin Timberlake Translator (Huffington Post)

The Huffington Post has a brand new, handy dandy “Justin Timberlake Translator” to help you understand what he’s saying when he’s singing.

Justin Timberlake is a real smooth talker, but it’s not always 100 percent clear what he means…Fret no more! Just use this handy Justin Timberlake Translator that takes lyrics from his latest album, The 20/20 Experience, and translates them into regular English.